you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
