In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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