just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
