the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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