I faked an abortion last night.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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