just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
