he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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