oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She told me I should be a condom model.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
