I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
