I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
