if i can run in heels then i can drive
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
As shirtless as possible
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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