He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
