Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
