remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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