So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
