He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
