Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
