Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
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