It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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