I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
this is an emotional support booty call
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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