tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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