the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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