He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
