i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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