my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
