Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
