I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
