I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
