I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
