if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Four minutes until I can fart!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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