im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
