We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
