mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
