I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
