Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
