If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
