just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
