the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
