no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We're too hungover to prance.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
