is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize