At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
