I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Buhtt sex?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
