We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
