Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize