Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
