you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
