So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
