oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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