I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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