i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
