I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
