I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
