Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
