wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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