My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Drunk is not a location!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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