Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
