You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
