I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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