they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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