I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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