I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
