After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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