I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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