I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
